


Haunted Staff Watch

by The_Problematic_Blender



Series: What If? [3]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Pre-Episode: e060-066 The Stolen Century Parts 1-7, Spoilers for Episode: e060-066 The Stolen Century Parts 1-7
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2019-05-16 14:31:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14813189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Problematic_Blender/pseuds/The_Problematic_Blender
Summary: ”Is it Kravitz?”“It’s not, no, it’s - it is a - it’s a woman’s, it’s a woman’s voice.”“Okay.I break the Umbrastaff.”An alternate timeline where Taako breaks his Umbrastaff in the field.





	Haunted Staff Watch

Merle hits the button on his silver bracer, the triangle blinking with a soft white light. Magnus reaches a wooden hand up to rub his neck. “Before it gets here,” Magnus starts. “I should also say, boys: one, keep in mind, you’re probably gonna have to explain the stones of farspeech being gone; two, I’m probably not gonna be able to talk. Uh, so I’m just gonna just like, y’know, automaton it pretty hard, uh,” Magnus trails off a bit, trying to find his words. “y’know, wooden statue and all that, so you might have to do the talking for me.”

At Magnus’ words, Merle turns towards Magnus. “Okay, one, you’ve done a pretty good job up to this point by filling us in on all this crap!” Merle’s voice raises as he speaks, until he’s practically yelling, before he drops it back to a neutral tone. “And two, okay.”

“Luckily-” Taako takes his backpack off of one shoulder and swings it in front of him, opens it up and searching for something. A few moments, and Taako pulls his arm out, holding a simple band made of dark steel. “I got my band of telepathic thought on me.”

Taako puts his backpack on again and slips the band of telepathic thought on. As the three wait in the field with Barry in tow, Taako hears a familiar voice.

* * *

_”Is it Kravitz?”_

_“It’s not, no, it’s - it is a - it’s a woman’s, it’s a woman’s voice.”_

_“ ~~Okay.~~ I break the Umbrastaff.”_

_“... you do **what?”**_

_” Taako breaks the Umbrastaff over his knee.”_

_“Wh- no. No. Why? No."_

__

_”Stop railroading me, Griffin. I break the umbrella.”_

_**”Is anyone else confused?”** _

**”I know I am.”**

_“Why do you want to break your staff?”_

_”Look, Griffin, you have to understand; my wand has chewed up and spit out a lich, it has attempted to murder my hot date, and it has burned letters into the wall. And now I’m hearing voices? Nuh uh, this shit is haunted.”_

_“You can’t just break- the- your Umbrastaff is like, it’s a SUPER magical item.”_

_“Because it’s haunted-”_

**“Justin, I think you stumbled onto the answer to a future puzzle or like a major plot point, and it’s scaring me because I can feel Griffin’s upsetness through my computer.” ******

********

_“Y’know what? Alright, fine, but you’re gonna have to roll.”_

* * *

“Uh, Taako?” Merle asks after he watches Taako take his Umbrastaff in his hands and tries to break it over his knee several times, failing every time. “You okay there?”

Taako ignores Merle, turning to Magnus and shoving his staff into Magnus’ hand. “Hey Magnus, do me a favor and destroy this with your, well, your arms aren’t beefy anymore-”

* * *

**“Griff, I rolled a nat twenty.”**

Griffin lets out an aggravated sigh.

_“Give me a moment, I have to figure out what’s about to happen.”_

* * *

Magnus snaps the Umbrastaff likes a twig as Taako is talking, and it’s like a bomb goes off in Magnus’ hands in that field. A wave of force knocks the three back off their feet, a cloud of red smoke flows from the two halves of the Umbrastaff before sparks and fireworks emitted, magic escaping the wand at full force. Despite this, the magic weaves its way around the three, leaving them unharmed by the dangerous and powerful explosion of magic.

The lights begin to fade, and as the dust begins to settle, the three look up, seeing a skeletal figure in a flowing red robe, phantasmal and resplendent, floating over the two halves of the Umbrastaff. The lich turns to the three, locking their gaze on Taako, and with hands engulfed in flames, says, “You’re dating the grim reaper!?”

* * *

_“Travis.”_

**”Yes?”**

_“I am texting you something your character knows that dad and Justin’s character do not.”_

**”Alright.”**

**_”I don’t like the sound of that.”_ **

**”Oh- oh, Juice. What have you done?”**

_“I made Griffin mad is what I did.”_

_“I’m not mad, Justin.”_

_“Your hostile tone suggests otherwise but alright.”_

* * *

“Aha!” Taako sits up and exclaims, pointing at the Red Robe. “I knew it was haunted!”

“Another Red Robe?” Merle asks as he stands up. “What’re the odds?”

“With our luck, probably pretty good, am I right, Magnus?” Taako looks to Magnus, who is just staring at the Red Robe. Magnus doesn’t have a face to emote anymore, but if he did, the others would see an expression of pure shock on his face as he’s hit with the realization of who the Red Robe was. “I said am I right, Magnus?”

Magnus turns to Taako. “Taako, that’s-” Static cuts off Magnus’ words.

“Oh, great.” Merle gripes. “More of this.”

“Don’t you recognize her?” Magnus continues.

Taako looks to the floating Red Robe, who has since extinguished their inflamed hands. “No, should I?” He asks.

“You don’t-” The Red Robe speaks, red electricity crackling through her. “You don’t remember me?”

“I do!” Magnus quickly says, scrambling to his feet. “I do-” The next word is cut off by static, but whatever Magnus says begins to calm the Red Robe down, getting ahold of herself. “What happened to you? We looked everywhere for you, where did you go? Why were you in that cave?”

“Did I miss something? Did we go looking for someone?” Merle asks Taako. Taako shrugs.

“I went to hide-” The Red Robe’s words are interrupted with static. “in the Rockseeker vault, so it would stop destroying entire towns, and the dwarf killed me and my Umbrastaff absorbed me.” The Red Robe looks back to Taako. “Do you really not remember me?”

“I- I mean, uh,” Taako stutters, trying to find his words. “You seem familiar, but I just can’t place it. Merle, do you have any idea?”

“Can’t say that I do.”

The Red Robe shudders as the Bureau of Balance orb comes down from the sky, landing in the field and tumbling, stopping just before it runs through the Red Robe. The Red Robe manages to compose herself as Magnus asks, “How come they don’t remember you? How come _I_ remember you?”

“I don’t know, but I bet Lucretia does.” The Red Robe replies.

“Why would she know?” Magnus asks.

“She seems to be at the center of everything.” The Red Robe says. “I need to come with you guys, but if Barry can’t get up there as a lich, I won’t be able to either.”

“You should be fine in the pocket spa with Barry, right?” Magnus asks.

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep it together if Barry doesn’t remember me either.”

“Okay. Hold the fuck up.” Taako says, interrupting the two’s conversation. “So in my Umbrastaff, there’s been a Red Robe the entire time, and it’s someone Magnus knows, and it’s someone I _apparently_ should know, and all I’m getting is voidfish static, and she doesn’t like the director? And now I’m just supposed to let this Red Robe hitch a ride with us in the pocket spa?”

There is a brief silence between the four before the Bureau of Balance orb makes a chiming sound. “If we don’t get in soon, Avi’s gonna call it back, and that probably won’t be good for our story.” Merle points out.

“Taako,” Magnus says, getting the elf’s attention. “I know shit’s been crazy, and you don’t trust a lot of people, but you have to trust me, and you have to trust her. Listen to what your heart is telling you to do.”

Taako looks at Magnus, and then at the Red Robe. The orb chimes again and Taako lets out a heavy sigh. “Fine, alright.” Taako takes out the pocket spa and opens it up. “Barold, you’re getting a traveling partner.” He calls into it. The Red Robe looks hesitantly at Magnus before quickly floating in, and Taako closes it up once more.

The three hurry into the orb before it can chime again; they get seated and Taako pulls the lever, sending the orb up into the sky. “The plan stays the same.” Taako says as the ascend. “I’ll let the lich stay in my pocket spa, but if you do so much as to stray from the plan, Burnsides, I am blasting you-”

“With what wand?” Magnus interrupts Taako’s threat.

“If you think that’ll stop me, you are mistaken, my dude.”

“I won’t deviate.” Magnus promises as the orb docks in the hangar.

 _“Now listen.”_ Barry’s coin chimes in from Merle’s hand. _“You gotta trust me here. You gotta give over the relic if they ask for it. We don’t wanna raise suspicion - if we do this right, it won’t matter who’s got ‘em but- and this is very important: you can’t let the Director see me with you up here. Or else she’s gonna figure it out.”_

Merle hops out of his seat first and opens the door once the coin stops talking. “Oh, wooden servant!” He calls out in a singsong voice. “Bring along our bags and be quick about it!”

**Author's Note:**

> Be sure to leave a kudos and comment down below, it motivates me to writing more and so you get more content like this!


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